Massachusetts Rep Demands to Know “Who’s In Charge?”
By Bob Deakin
The House Oversight and Government Reform committee has launched an investigation into recent disaster response efforts by The Universe. At a Congressional hearing Tuesday, committee members called into question The Universe’s perceived tepid response to residents affected by Hurricane Geraldine in South Atlantic states.
A dozen committee members theorize that the lackluster response results from a perceived stereotypical nature of the hurricane’s name. The connotation is that “Geraldine” represents older, out-of-touch Americans who are not viable contributors to the nation’s economy.
The Universe's Sluggish Response to Disaster
Georgia Congressman Jeb Crandal offered to clarify The Universe’s role as it applies to disaster relief.
“Our proud, God-fearing Americans, look to ‘The Universe’ in times of great need and despair. While it does not have staffed offices, ‘The Universe’ represents a single, omnipresent consciousness often equated with ‘God’ or ‘the Self,’” Crandal stated to the packed House Chamber, employing air quotes.
Urged to elaborate, he continued, invoking religion.
“Many Christians see ‘The Universe’ as a reflection of God’s character and a place in which to serve God. Conversely, in Judaism, The Universe may be seen as a creation by God with a purpose known only to him. At the same time, Buddhism holds an image of The Universe as infinite - the cycle of life encompassing worlds with no beginning or end.”
Bunch of Hooey
Arizona Rep. Della Rivera was vexed with Crandal’s circuitous explanation.
“Could you be more specific?”
Rep. Daniel Canavan (D-Mass.) tersely interrupted.
“Who’s in charge of The Universe? I don’t see one representative from this organization here today and frankly I’m beginning to think it’s a bunch of hooey!”
The Geraldine Effect
Hurricane Geraldine destroyed more than 100,000 homes from North Carolina to Florida last October. Increasingly, varying religious beliefs equate “The Universe” with God in prayer, and subsequently hold it responsible when prayers are not answered. In the case of Hurricane Geraldine, thousands of displaced residents entrusted The Universe with their well-being.
After four long months, they find themselves not only homeless but faithless.
Historically, southern states, or “Bible Belt,” have a higher percentage of residents who identify as religious and regularly attend religious services. The most popular denominations such as Southern Baptist and Methodist churches believe in God, as opposed to “The Universe.”
This fact gives rise to the theory that “The Universe” may have been discriminating against certain households, particularly those known to have a strong faith in God.
Universe With a Capital U
Dr. Nathan Brady, president of the Freedom of Faith Institute, spoke at the hearing on behalf of The Universe.
“I do not believe that The Universe holds an institutional prejudice toward people of faith in God,” Brady said. “We have launched our own investigations, working with the House Oversight Committee and Special Counsel. If we discover any evidence of such behavior, we will take appropriate disciplinary measures.”
Rep. Canavan again strongly interrupted.
“Are you at all indecisive about whether to worship God or The Universe?”
“Well - Yes and no,” Brady responded.
Not Your Grandmother’s Universe
Rep. Rivera cited that the objective of the Oversight Committee’s investigation is to identify “community and cultural trends” that impact disaster assistance.
“With the mass migration to southeastern states in recent decades, we have identified a trend away from traditional faith-based practices. The once steadfast faith in God has transitioned to increasingly veiled references to ‘The Universe,’” Rivera stated.
“Truth be told, with an influx of people from different walks of life can sometimes lead to a change in societal mores,” Dr. Brady responded.
“Are you saying that the gentrification of the southeast has fostered a culture that favors the lives of the white and wealthy population?” Senator Brady asked in feigned astonishment. “Can native southerners who have faith in God also expect to trust The Universe to protect them?”
“Well - Yes and no,” Brady responded.
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